If or how or when

 
I feel old today. I was connecting the dots backwards and realized how far I've come along. I keep saying that. How far I've come along. But I truly have. Life used to be very different, cooped up within four walls, dreaming of another world and hoping that I would get to experience it someday but not really knowing if or how or when I will. And now I'm at a point where I'm ready to sit down with my baby brothers and give them pep talks like a wise old monk (and it's probably annoying).

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes, either. Just because you grow old and see bits of the world doesn't mean you have it all figured out. Every day I wake up and give it my best. I try something new and I learn. And I'm lucky that after years and years of trying my hand at it alone, I have someone to team up with in life. But even when you have a partner, you can't lean on them all the time or become hopelessly reliant. You need to know, and be able to, stand on your own two feet — and run alone, when needed. Life isn't easy on those who can't float by themselves.

I'm really worried about what's happening back home. I'm really far away and feel disconnected on most days. It's getting real bad real soon, it seems. A large part of my heart resides there and the helplessness is real. I pray god has mercy and sending thoughts and prayers feels odd and uncomfortable. But I'm not able to do more. What more are you supposed to do? Tweet a few tweets? Share posts? What good will come out of that? I genuinely do not understand and would like to.

On a different note, I've been thinking about a friend. No, scratch that. I've been thinking about a few friends I haven't spoken to in a while. I want to ask them how they are and let them know I can lend them my ear if they need one. And I want to say I miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I want to shout it from the rooftops, because sometimes the absence of friendship hurts. I wish you would call me and talk about the weather. How does the move feel? I hope you are safe and happy. Could you let me know, please, so I stop thinking about it? Sometimes when we don't speak, it feels like I've come across a book that's missing the next chapter — I want to find out what happens next but I can't. I don't want to be intrusive, I have no curiosity. I care and would like to know if I'm needed. I care and would like to know if it's reciprocated. Could I have your ear too? There's so much I want to talk about. You can ask me anything but only if you mean it.