You need a whole Vogue photoshoot about it

In the middle of summer, when it is a searing 42C outside, I sit indoors with the fan shut down and my icy feet covered in warm socks. I am not ill, just perpetually cold, and starting to wonder if this is some kind of illness. A simple Google search indicates I might be deficient in iron. Sometimes I believe it could be right. It would explain my limited energy on most days, my thin and falling hair. If I could be a cat, I wouldn’t - because it seems like I am one. In every corner of the house, mine or yours, a part of my DNA can be found.

I am free these days and my mind is beginning to wander towards poetry and the stillness of life - life like the one before I moved away. I think about my ealier decision a lot and wonder how my life would have looked like had I stayed, seven long years ago. Would I still miss my mother this much? Would I still be as transparent with my father? Would my sibling and I have a better or worse relationship? I know I would certainly get to watch them age gradually than in abrupt bursts every couple of years.

My husband turns to me excitedly to share a piece of news he’s read online. I smile and nod and tell him that’s interesting. And then I return to writing this. This thing that has very little purpose or meaning and most likely no reader at all. But it is very similar to how I started, eons ago in 2007. I am older now, I think about the past a lot.

Would we really want to go back in time and make different decisions? Would we really want to be different people? So many questions exist in the universe to which we will never have answers, but all the more to ponder over. This city is so big, all you can resort to is but think. I feel like a tiny person most of the time - the buildings tower over me, the streets seem ready to swallow every inch of me. And yet I put myself out into the world, over and over again, wherever life picks me up and places me on its humongous chessboard. Did you, too, know, at that point in time, the one you keep returning to in the middle of the night, that you were going to make the lesser choice? Can I, if you please, ask you all these questions at a first meeting?

Hi. Ich freue mich sehr.