Self-care

      

When I think about self-care, I think about privilege. I think about having the liberty to choose to not get out of bed just to go work. I think about having the privilege of taking time off social duties because one has an understanding circle of acquaintances and friends; I think about leaving messages on "seen" not responding for days, and sometimes even forgetting to respond at all. I think about morning walks and afternoon walks and fresh air because all of those are available to me. When I think about self-care, I also think about emotional labour and choosing to not be there for someone because I can barely be there for myself. I think of silently supporting the ones closest to me. When I think about self-care, I think about distancing myself from people with whom my emotional/intellectual safety feels threatened.

But this is about myself and not other people. This is about me choosing to wake up, still, about choosing to walk into the shower, choosing to step out of the house, choosing to face people even when I see absolutely no point in doing so — about choosing to still make choices.

Did I say things are going just as fine as they are supposed to be? They really are. Yet, there is an emptiness at times. I look towards God and raise a question mark. Life seems too mechanical even when it's not. Currently, I am on break and everyday still feels like a chore. Every morning, I wake up as the sun is coming up, without an alarm, even though all the blinds are drawn. Every morning, I stay in bed for an additional two hours, hoping that I might actually fall back asleep this time. It never happens. Everyday I tell myself that this is going to be the day I will finish writing all those things I set out to write about but left unfinished. To go on walks. To read another book. To write an outline for my upcoming assignment. To bake some cookies for an old friend. To do something constructive spontaneously.

I am not depressed. I have been there and this is not it. It feels different. It feels more like waiting. But waiting for what? Perhaps for good things to finally come around, out of the usual ordinariness of life. I like to think self-care is about being okay with putting some things on hold and waiting.