20.03.18

I almost spilt coffee on my laptop this morning.

It was all in slow motion. I was staring blankly at the screen, thinking about something else when I realised the coffee mug was in my hand. I watched my hand tilt, as if unwilling to believe there could be an object in it and then saw a splotch of coffee making its way down on the floor, while the laptop was only a few inches away. No damage occurred save a few drops that went into the socket holding the laptop's charger.

I stared at the mess for a lingering moment and then slowly got up and made my way across the other end of the room, from where I grabbed a piece of cloth to wipe the liquid up.

* * *

Sometimes, you hold information back because you're unsure about what tomorrow will bring — and also because you're waiting for a day when you'll be able to talk about it. As I say that, I had a flashback to my partner-in-crime telling me my language is mathematically reflexive (polite-speak for how I never cut to the chase). So I'm going to try my best to make it simple.

Exactly a year ago, I failed an examination for the first time in my life. Now, I've given my fair share of difficult exams through the years but this one was special because I took it too lightly and I walked into the exam hall grossly under-prepared even though everyone around me talked about how this was going to be a nightmare.

When I received the notification of my failure, I wasn't surprised. I had hoped to pass, of course, so I wouldn't have to appear in the exam again but I was aware of my own performance — or the lack thereof. I promised myself that I would prepare better next time. In fact, I made a vow to start studying over summer break so when the classes for the winter semester rolled around, I'd be ahead of everyone else.

And I did that. I started studying while everybody else was travelling the world and enjoying the sun. It didn't last for long though.

When the new semester began, I resolved to take every single class of the two-part module — and I did that again. Through rain and hail and depressive cold. I took every single class at a place where other students had plenty of excuses to bunk or to give up. I tried studying on my own at home as well. I made my own resolution proud. Yet when the new exam season neared, I had ample of nervous breakdowns and didn't believe I could perform well enough to pass. I was really lucky to have someone close to me who encouraged me to keep going even though I was visibly painfully anxious.

But that didn't help.

Two weeks before the exam, I didn't have any faith in myself. Upon the suggestion of a professor, I started a study group a week prior to the big day, where I was join by five more diligent students. The six of us had two sessions with each other where we sat together for 7-8 hours straight in a very intensive group study. Those two sessions helped me massively and I finally started feeling confident of my own abilities a few days before the exam.

Still, there was a lot of work to be done and I kept studying until the last day. There was nothing and no one else that was on my mind. The whole world was dead to me that entire last week. It had to be either this complete detachment from the world or a risk of having to study so much again the coming year, plus having my final attempt at this course (and risk being ex-matriculated if I failed a third time!).

When the day came around, and I sat in the exam hall, all the questions seemed familiar to me. I knew the answers to most. I thought I could pass! I walked out of the exam hall feeling happy that I gave everything my best shot. I prepared well, I attempted even better. I took every single class (okay, I missed one but only because I had another seminar to attend) and I listened to both professors' advice very carefully.

If, after all of that hard work, I still failed, I would be able to live with that. I would be able to live with any failure knowing that I did the best I could, keeping my depression and my anxiety in mind.

But today, I received the notification of my passing. I smile as I write that.

The people who mean the most to me are not around me but if they were, I would have loved to celebrate. Since they're not with me and I can't, I wanted to put the good news up here.

I passed. I did it. I'm done. It's a good day.