those who can, do

i love my mom so much, it feels wrong if i'm doing anything else except talking to her when i'm beside her. the worst is if i'm watching a few minutes of netflix in her presence. of course, she doesn't require me to attend to her every second, quite the opposite in fact (we're very quiet, very private people), but still! something feels off. i just love her so much and i'm aware every single day is a rare blessing and that i will spend 95% of the rest of my life without her than with her. it just sucks. i hate it, i hate it so much. i don't understand why we have to be so far apart. who said it had to absolutely have to be this way?

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my god, i need to move my body. i dream of running, of jumping, of walking miles. sometimes in my dreams i'm flying. there is so much fear and anxiety about a new place, it takes forever to get over. and by the time you are over it, things change drastically and you're on a whole different plane. apparently, telling yourself to "just stop being anxious" does not work. but i suppose all change starts in the mind. i've only learnt that the only way to get over it is to go through it. and i will go through it. i will, i will. (said the little blue engine)

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hello, it's july. or the end of it. i've been well. and i've been busy. now it's august and this is a draft i'm reworking. next month is going to be a big one. i'll talk about it when we get there. right now, i'm still basking in late-summer sunshine, getting through all my trashy summer reads before my kindle unlimited subscription ends. oof. i love trashy books. i love the cheese and the drama. i also like that reading absolutely anything keeps me off social media, which is always welcome to me. i hardly find anything worthy online. this space might be one of the exceptions. speaking of drama... i cannot believe i'm saying this but last night, after the little one was put to sleep, we were able to watch a full movie after forever!!! it was The Drama and it was totally unexpected. i don't want to spoil it for anyone so i'll leave that there.

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mm i have a new sewing space and it's delicious and has me all inspired. finding time for it though? that's another loaded question. as a mom, there are only so many minutes i can find for myself before all hell breaks loose. but i've been trying and as always, it's healing. i'm just grateful for whatever time i can make. alhamdulillah. i'm also grateful for being busy, for the mothering, for all the time i don't get to myself. i'm living the life i prayed for. i'm living the life i prayed for.