Year around the sun

My head is buzzing––not with thoughts or ideas but a dull ache, that sleep deficit or debt, as they are calling it these days. I'm fine with it, I have grown accustomed to operating this way in the mornings. All I need is a moment to quietly finish my cup of tea and I'm good to go. These quiet moments, however, are not a given. It's been a year around the sun and my baby is a baby no longer; she is a toddler. So there's a lot of running around, running after, picking up and transporting to "safe" locations, prying debris and whatnot from tiny hands, and so on and so forth. And I am grateful for and expectant of all of it.

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I've been sewing. I make frilly little dresses and frilly little tops. And I make bloomers. I want to learn to sew my own overalls and trousers––toddler versions of course (I am still intimidated by sewing adult-sized garments although I did make myself that one pair of balloon pants which saw broad daylight only once). I've been talking about sewing. Such are the ways of the world that if you are not productive as per capitalistic standards, people write you off. And oh, I've been written off for wanting different. But these days, whenever I mention that I'm crafty, people get intrigued, and that's always nice, to be able to get back their attention one way or another because I do believe there's much more to being a person than being an oilcan for the machine and more people need to see that in action.

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We did it. We had that party. We got some people together under one roof. I made a massive cake and there was pizza and there were school lunch sandwiches and soda and balloons and it went... well? And lots and lots of gifts were given, gifts which I've only sorted out and stashed away this morning––toys and clothes my child could use later. We're so grateful people came to celebrate and share our joy with us. My old bones need lots of rest now and some hibernation. I could do with soaking up the remainder of the sun (and I have been doing just that). It's going to be fall soon, and sooner still, winter, so I feel like I must make good use of the warmth that remains in the air. 

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It's so easy to forget what you've been through, especially when the days get better and the tough times are way behind. But I've been thinking about the past year and feeling a strange kind of giddy, the feeling that you only get when you went through something alone and did brilliantly. I've been feeling so grateful for the big and small mercies, so many things we never foresaw but came into fruition. I've been feeling strong(er) these days, knowing I made it out sane and intact even if I did go a little crazy back then and thought nothing would ever be the same (oh, postpartum is a bitch). I'm just grateful, grateful, grateful for us and hope and pray the days to come are easy to bear as well.