1/10/24

Where was I just now? I can't seem to remember much these days. The joy is limited and fleeting––except of her, and him, and us. And then comes in the guilt. And then comes in the anger. I consume so much news these days, it lives inside my spine. I've developed a mild backache of sorts. My feet really hurt too. I work and work and keep myself busy because god knows where this mind would wander if not.

The husband made fish curry tonight. He had to because we defrosted the fish two days ago and it would have gotten wasted if he hadn't cooked it tonight. I'm just glad that he did. I like what he makes and I needed a little break. I think I'm hungry. I don't feel much hunger these days until I really start to feel it in the pit of my stomach. And most of the times, I'm eating just to sustain myself and my baby. I am a mother, after all.

My baby had visitors this past weekend and they were smitten by her. Our hearts swelled with joy and pride and we prayed all the little prayers to ward off the evil eye. Sometimes we look at pictures of ourselves and cannot believe we are parents. We have a child. This person depends on us. We have a family of our own. I thank god and the pit in my stomach grows. And my mind wanders elsewhere. What was I talking about? Oh yes. The baby.

They came to check the fire alarm system today. While all the three alarms we have rang, I held my hands over my sleeping baby's ears. I saw a look of fear wash over her face as she awoke abruptly. And then she turned her head and saw I was right there. My heart cannot take the images coming in. The baby, the mother, the babies, the mothers, the fathers, the children, the people. When she finally woke up after two hours, I picked her up immediately and held her close to the pounding heart in my chest.