Routine

    

Spring was supposed to be here. Spring did come. And so did the warmth. And then it went away. I sound accusatory and unforgiving and that's because I am. It isn't fair, is it? To have the sun out for two days only to have it gone for two whole weeks? And I know that when it'll finally be here with all guns blazing, I'll turn towards myself, stay indoors, wait it out, wait for some clouds. I'll tell myself it's time to write and put these thoughts into better words, give my feelings a name. And who knows, maybe I might even do it.

And maybe I might even venture out like I used to in the old days, alone and without a sense of purpose but always enjoying the freedom that life has bestowed upon me. I do miss that time and refuse to say it out loud. Those mornings when I could just get on a bus and go wherever it would take me. It didn't matter if the mall was closed, I'd wait in the park, I'd walk around and take pictures, and then be the first person to enter it as it opened. It didn't matter if my doctor was in the next town––I'd hop on that bus in a heartbeat. I'd walk to the train station on a random Saturday and just travel eight cities away to do nothing, just be able to say I was there. Of course, there was always that underlying social anxiety that I still have but it wasn't crippling. To be honest, I can't remember the last time my anxiety was crippling; you've just become very comfortable in your sedentary life, I say to myself, but I don't think it's entirely true.

Certain factors trigger my anxiety or make it worse. One of those is noise pollution. And it really doesn't help me that there are at least four different construction sites on my way to the train station now. There's also that fear of if the crane falls or me, or a brick, or I get hit by a reckless driver who doesn't care that half the road is closed and he needs to slow down. You know? The absolute worse case scenarios. None of them have materialized so far but couldn't they? Who's to say anyone's completely safe. Maybe I need a little something to calm my nerves down.