Crying on the train to work is an aesthetic

I found this in my drafts and thought I should put it out there. 2019 was an awful year for me a year when I experienced growing pains and I'm so grateful for it in retrospect. While the struggle continues and new challenges arise every few months or so, I am stronger than ever and tackling every issue head-on, learning, performing better, and... preserving myself (sometimes by a thread).

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We're halfway through 2k19, my lingo is still stuck somewhere in the year 2000, and this is happening. I'm here and I'm writing — I should be working on the other tab where I have a draft of my final assignment, one that just won't end.

It's tough to not come from a privileged background — to be a first-gen something, anything. It's tough and you find yourself working your way right through it and that's alright. It's what you're supposed to do when you can't do anything else at all. But what's not (and shouldn't be) part of any of this is when people who don't know truly your story start giving you unsolicited evaluations of your progress in life thus far. Now that was something I did not expect at all and it's been a real setback.

I've been finding my way around that, too, and now we're into the month of June.

I think I started writing this blog when I had just turned 17. Back then, it was an excellent space to rant, talk, and rant some more for a teenager who had nowhere else to go. It truly helped me during my delayed formative years. It's been, what? Ten years since? I'm turning 28 next week, and feeling quieter than ever, which isn't so bad. There's a lot of noise in this world — people make a lot of noise — opinions are louder than ever and relentless. There's no concept of being a student in life anymore and all I can hear are voices trying to preach.

All I prefer is my silence because there's just too much to learn and you really can't hear much over the sound of your own voice. And you can't learn anything at all over the noise of your fears.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me I'm one of the smartest, most intelligent people she's ever known. I didn't see how I merited that compliment but I'm very lucky to have a few lovely people around myself who can see some semblance of value in me, if not value itself — to be able to learn from them, to be able to have constructive conversations, to make something of my limited time on earth with. I am not happy but I am. I am. And being is enough for now.